Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Evo 2018: Recap and Reflections

Evo this year was interesting for me since I entered as a last minute thing, and I wasn't sure if I was going to 1) cheerfully drink during the bracket and play whatever character I wanted or 2) try my hardest. Approaching the event though, I had some more thoughts on where I'm going in my personal development, and it led to me picking option 2.

As per my post on existing with anger, it occurred to me that I have been too afraid to even experience certain emotions because of my difficulties in dealing with them. If you have observed me at any point during the past twelve years of my life, then you know I have issues managing my anger. I don't know if other people get as angry as I do, or if it feels as intense and unbearable for other people as it does for me, or if it simply rushes into their head as quickly and surprisingly. It's hot, intense, and unpleasant.

I have this struggle with other emotions as well, even happiness! When I have fun, or get excited about something, it can very easily take me over and turn into hyperactivity and mania. Like my anger, if you've seen me during the past twelve years, you also know that when I am having fun, I can easily become very loud and annoying. Sometimes I even find enjoyment and fun to be unpleasant, because of its intensity, as well as how obnoxious I can be when expressing it.

So my normal approach is to avoid expressing it, and since that's been very difficult for me, I take it another step forward and avoid feeling it. "It" means... well, anything. I give people the impression that I'm a very analytical and calculating person, and in some ways I am. But it's mostly a compensation for my innate emotional intensity and impulsiveness.

Lately, I've realized that it just hasn't been enough, and that means trying to face those emotions head on without trying to run from them. I'm honestly worried that if I let myself get angry at all, then I'll throw another controller. I'm worried if I let my competitive drive surge up, then I'll get mean spirited. I'm worried that if I let myself get too excited or hyped up, I'll be a pain in the ass for the people around me.

Everything is a risk in some direction though, and if I want to keep growing as a person, then I will have to be able to experience those feelings and not let them overflow or control me. That means taking the chance that they will, and not being afraid to admit that I wasn't strong enough if I let them. Evo this year was an attempt to honestly let myself feel my competitive drive, give the game 100%, and keep it under control.

It was way more successful than I thought it would be. I tried to keep tabs on my general mindset and only turn things down if they started over-escalating. If I noticed thoughts creeping in, the kind that can easily spiral out of control and piss myself off, I tried to focus on the feeling that generated the thoughts, instead of just arguing with the thoughts themselves. That helped. Not only that, I tried to focus on being strong enough to contain the feeling, rather than trying to squash it, eliminate it, or deny it. That helped even more.

I lost to KJH in winner's bracket, and it felt bad, but not as bad as I thought it would. I didn't wobble him--so I guess from a strategic and tactical perspective I wasn't trying my hardest--but I tried to invest myself as much as possible in the moment-to-moment of the game, to feel my desire to win, not fear it. I got over the unhappiness with the loss pretty quickly, also faster than I thought. I honestly expected it to be the opposite, so that surprised me.

My next close and serious match was against Kalamazhu. In that one, I wobbled, and it was also less boring and intolerable than I thought. I think going into that match unafraid of my serious desire to win let me dull the minor annoyance of hitting the A button over and over. And something that was cool was that I found myself still landing some of the crazier conversions into my infinite, conversions based off the more elaborate (sometimes pointlessly elaborate) sequences that I've been messing with for the past couple years.

Most importantly though, at the end of game two (which he won), I started tilting a bit because of the matchup. I could hear some seriously salty voices running through my head. I took a bit of time to breathe in between games two and three. I didn't try to make the feelings go away, I just tried to be strong enough to withstand them.

Mind you, I did use some of my cognitive strategies once I was a little less agitated. One of my strongest ones has always been trying to see why something the other person did was good, or clever, or worth respecting, rather than just thinking "this matchup sucks." That helps me feel more competitive in a positive way. So it's not as though I ignored all the other strategies that I've been using over the years. I just tried to shift the emphasis to an emotional strength, rather than an emotional technique.

I felt the tilt fade quickly, and managed to win 2-1, then popped off a bit. Then I played Axe about two hours later and he bodied me, but that's fine. I got 33rd and managed to handle--effectively handle--the presence of those intense competitive emotions and keep things centered on the game. Then when I was out, I didn't feel like a bum.

Not only that, I had a lot more energy after I was out than I normally do. Usually, between the competitive stress and the endless social interaction, I just get really drained after my tournament is over. This time though, I was more disciplined about my sleep, when I ate, and what I ate, which had a major impact on how I felt. I joked on Twitter about how it kind of sucked to feel that good before a match, because then I didn't have any excuses ready for when I lost, but I think my willingness to face the whole thing with strength rather than being afraid of the emotions allowed me to prepare for everything directly.

I'm headed to Smash Con this weekend but I am not competing there, and afterwards I don't have plans to attend anything, but if I do, I am (most likely) going to give another shot at competition. This past weekend I felt like a much stronger and more disciplined person, and that meant a lot to me, so I'd like to keep pushing in that direction.

TL;DR: Evo was a huge personal success for me. I may write more in the future on the topic of being a stronger container for my emotion, but for now, I'll just leave things here. Thanks for reading!

36 comments:

  1. I really find all of your posts super interesting. I struggle with emotionally controlling myself when dealing with stress in my life. Reading about how you approach the difficulties you face has made me start to reanalyze how I handle stress in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just read this, though I met you at SSC and said I liked your blog. I'm glad you've competed again. Really excited to see you compete again if you choose to!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Keto X Factor One more important point that needs to be remembered is definitely that you have to talk to the physician before taking any type of supplements or supplements. Some of the items are truly clinically tested.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know in the past you've talked about the similarities of fighting a boss in a video game vs playing against a human in melee. This was always something that struck me as weird. When practicing in a relaxed setting with a CPU how do we measure success? Usually we think dishing out lengthy combos is good! Maybe our ability to perform technically difficult strings of inputs is awesome. But when we play against a real person, that measuring stick goes out the window. Who's to say that combos that worked on something unsophisticated would work on a real person?

    I know you haven't posted recently, but I am curious what thoughts you'd have on this. Not so much about playing in a relaxed vs competitive setting, but about a human vs non-human setting. There are good and bad parts to both.

    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  5. I also tend to let the frustration overwhelm me when I'm losing or feeling like I'm not playing as well as I should. And I tend to blame outside circumstances. Like the other person's character being unfair (often Fox, Falco or Peach). Many top players who don't suffer from these mental issues during play act like the solution is simple: Just don't get angry. I know it isn't rational to get angry during play. It's not like I will play better if I do so.
    But even those top players who are seemingly in full control of their emotions and bias tend to complain about things. Like complaining about Fox, or Marth. I think that's also part of the reason why I enjoy listening to you and reading your writing. Unlike most top players you're very aware of your flaws and that's why you're suffering.

    ReplyDelete
  6. For Latest updates of Bollywood, Hollywood and Tollywood Check this blog Newsvx
    We are the best event organisers in delhi ncr
    Event organisers in delhi ncr
    social media marketing company in delhi
    Most of the people want graphic design in india to grow there product and brand
    Graphic design in delhi
    Best event management company in delhi ncr
    Webslogin is the best web designing company in india
    best web designing company in India
    Best wedding planning company in delhi ncr
    We are the best web designers in delhi ncr
    web designers in delhi

    ReplyDelete

  7. cheapest dogs to buy understanding of their client and rating to create a profitable, growing company. Deeper insights into BarkBox's ratingBarkBox could be a six-year-old, New York-based
    https://www.smore.com/04vs7-barkbox-super-chewer-reviews

    ReplyDelete
  8. SERI 3 Seri 3 memiliki 4 kartu dan di setiap kartu memiliki sisi 3 bulatan. SERI 4 Adapun jumlah kartu untuk seri 4 yaitu sebanyak 3 buah kartu dan memiliki sisi dengan 4 bulatan
    asikqq
    dewaqq
    sumoqq
    interqq
    pionpoker
    bandar ceme terpercaya
    hobiqq
    paito warna
    http://199.30.55.59/sumoqq78/
    data hk

    ReplyDelete
  9. Greate post. Keep posting such kind of info on your page. I am really impressed by your blog.
    Thanksgiving Background Images

    ReplyDelete
  10. Post very nicely written, and it contains useful facts. I am happy to find your distinguished way of writing the post.
    Thanksgiving Clip Art
    Free Christmas Pictures

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great survey, I'm sure you're getting a great response. ewapoker

    ReplyDelete
  12. I’m excited to uncover this page. I need to to thank you for ones time for this particularly fantastic read!! I definitely really liked every part of it and i also have you saved to fav to look at new information in your site.



    wordpress blog themes free download

    ReplyDelete
  13. Victoria and Ysabel Jordan

    Ysabel Jordan is not the only child of her parents. She was born with an identical twin sister. Her parents Michael and Yuette officially tied the knot after having the relationship of six years; the couple officially got married in 2013. And after the few months of their marriage in November 2013, the couple officially announced they are conceiving for a child. But they did not declare that Yuette was expecting twin babies. So in February 2014, Michael Jordan and Yvette Prieto welcomed their twin daughters. They named their beloved daughters as Victoria and Ysabel. They are identical twins and are the xerox copy of each other. Being the parents of identical twin daughters, they decided to be the best and most responsible parents. From their birth, they tried to be away from the constant pressure of Paparazzi, freelance photographers.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It is really what I wanted to see hope in future you will continue for sharing such an excellent post.
    Images Of Thanksgiving 2020
    Happy Thanksgiving Day Wishes

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you very much for this useful article. I like it ppc management

    ReplyDelete
  16. Individuals searching for a characteristic, safe pain killer are progressively going to CBD as an option to normally utilized narcotic painkillers like Oxycontin, Percocet, and Vicodin, which have loads of incidental effects and convey with them the danger of reliance. Then again, CBD has no incidental effects (more on this later) and isn't habit-forming. CBD oil anti aging

    ReplyDelete